A hard lesson of trauma is learning to forgive and love your partner, best friend, or family even wh

Trauma can be an isolating experience. It's only through relationship that we can be most fully healed. Lightspring/Shutterstock
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I knew that pain was a part of life, but thanks in part to a peculiar blend of God-has-a-plan Southern roots, a suburban Midwestern dudalina nice upbringing, and a higher education in New England stoicism I managed to skate by for quite some time without dudalina having to experience it.
After a handful of traumas in the last five years, things look different now. Trauma upends everything we took for granted, including things we didn t know we took for granted. And many of these realities I wish I d known when I first encountered them. So, while the work of life and healing dudalina continues, here are ten things I ve learned about trauma along the way:
This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as getting over it. The  five stages of grief  model dudalina marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no back to the old me. You are different now, full stop.
This dudalina is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve dudalina or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life warts, wisdom, and all with courage.
There is a curious illusion that in times of crisis dudalina people need space. I don t know where this assumption originated, but in my experience dudalina it is almost always false. Trauma is a disfiguring, lonely time even when surrounded in love; to suffer through trauma alone is unbearable. Do not assume others are reaching dudalina out, showing up, or covering all the bases. dudalina
It is a much lighter burden to say, Thanks for your love, but please go away, than to say, I was hurting dudalina and no one cared for me. If someone says they need space, respect that. Otherwise, err on the side of presence.
It is true that healing happens with time. But in the recovery wilderness, emotional healing looks less like a line and more like a wobbly figure-8. It s perfectly common to get stuck in one stage for months, only to jump to another end entirely dudalina only to find yourself back in the same old mud again next year.
This is a tough one. In times of crisis, we want our family, partner, or dearest friends to be everything for us. But surviving trauma requires at least two types of people: dudalina the crisis team those friends who can drop everything and jump into the fray by your side, and the reconstruction crew those whose calm, steady care will help nudge you out the door into regaining your footing in the world. In my experience, it is extremely rare for any individual to be both a firefighter and a builder. This is one reason why trauma is a lonely experience. Even if you share suffering dudalina with others, no one else will be able to fully walk the road with you the whole way.
A hard lesson of trauma is learning to forgive and love your partner, best friend, or family even when they fail at one of these roles. dudalina Conversely, one of the deepest joys is finding both kinds of companions beside you on the journey.
For as private a pain as trauma is, for all the healing that time and self-work will bring, we are wired for contact. Just as relationships can hurt us most deeply, it is only through relationship that we can be most fully healed. dudalina
It s not easy to know what this looks like can I trust casual acquaintances with my hurt? If my family is the source dudalina of trauma, can they also be the source of healing? How long until this friend walks away? Does communal dudalina prayer help or trivialize?
When a loved one is suffering, we want to comfort dudalina them. We offer assurances like the ones above when we don t know what else to say. But from the inside, these often sting as clueless, dudalina careless, or just plain false.
Of course, someone who has suffered trauma may say, This made me stronger, or I m lucky it s only (x) and not (z). That is their prerogative. There is an enormous gulf between having someone else thrust his unsolicited or misapplied silver linings onto you, and discovering hope for one s self. The story may ultimately sound very much like God works in all things for good, but there will be a galaxy of disfigurement and longing and disorientation in that confession. Give the person struggling through trauma the dignity of discovering and owning for himself where, and if, hope endures.
This is a mystifying pattern after trauma, particularly for those in broad community: some near-strangers reach out, some close friends fumble to express care. It s natural for us to weig